The Akatsuki Make Exellent Sandwhiches
by xXxFailzatWritingxXx
Summary: Keiko gonna go to the Akaaaatsukiiiiii. DAFUQ GONNA HAPPEN? READ YOU LAZY BITCHES.


**Author's Note: **Hello, there! This is a humorous fic about an OC getting taken by the Akatsuki. Yes, she's a little Mary Sue, but I tried my best, I swear. The first chapter is going to be about her getting taken, and the second is her getting to know the Akatsuki and shit. I haven't figured out if I'm going to make more, well, only if you want me to, you boring fucks. Anyway, enjoy. :3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto in any way, I'm just barrowing some of the character's for a moment or two.

**PLEASE REVIEW ^.^**

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It was close to midnight and I was just about to get into bed. I'd already eaten dinner, turned the TV off, gotten my pajamas on, and brushed my teeth. Now, I just needed to feed Spice her midnight snack and I'd be on my way to fucking dream world. Whoohoo.

I went downstairs, turned left into my kitchen, and found the tallest cabinet where I stored her food. I stood on my tip-toes, grabbed the door handle with the tip of my middle finger, and flung the door open. I grabbed the bag, shuffled upstairs into my room, walked to the side of my bed and poured some cat food into the bowl. My bed was right next to a window, so Spice could go in and out as she pleased.

I turned off the light by door and stood in the middle of my room, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. It only took about 10 seconds before I could fully see my way to my bed. I slumped onto it and sat up. I turned on my lamp, grabbed a hair-band from the desk, and shoved my hair into a messy bun.

I lye back down and plunged under the blankets, finally falling asleep after about 10 minutes.

_I was walking down a dark hallway. I heard giggling from the far end and decided to follow it (like the curious fuck I am). I was stopped as a door came plunging out of (literally) no where. I stuck my head to the door and tried to focus on the sounds that were emanating from it. All I heard was (the same fucking) giggling._

_ I creaked the door open and found a girl on a bed. She was spread (quite) seductively. She made a 'come hither' motion with her fingers to me, and I (quite happily) accepted the offer. I crawled on top of her and sat down on her perfectly curved waist. This is when I realized we were both naked. She grabbed my shoulders and pulled us both together so that both our chests were touching (like a fucking baws). Then she kissed my lips with (lots and lots and lots of) passion and force, making my breath hitch before I finally fell into the kiss. _

_ Her hands went south, one hand playing with my nipples while the other was rubbing the lips of my (glorious) womanhood. I gasped, letting her tongue slide (very stealthily) into my mouth. Between the kissing, fondling, and rubbing, I didn't think I could take much more. I felt my climax coming as I was fondling her breasts. _

_ I was going to (fucking) lose it any second now, to my delight. I was focusing on the feeling of her playing with me, trying to make the orgasm come faster. I was on the brink now, here it (fucking) com-_

My eyes flashed open as Spice was nipping at my shirt, trying to wake me up. I blinked a couple of times as I thought about my wet dream. _That shit was a-fucking-mazing, _I happily thought. My womanhood was pulsing wantonly, as it didn't get to finish what that bitch started. I was in a bad mood for the rest of the morning thanks to that dumb slut.

I walked towards my closet and threw on sweatpants and a tank-top. I walked downstairs, made breakfast, and sat by my laptop while I ate. I was playing on a gaming site when I sensed four chakras in my living room. I closed my laptop and grabbed my bowl of oatmeal, heading towards them. What I saw didn't surprise me.

I knew the tall blue dude, he's my cousin. I didn't know the shorter guy with black hair, or the guy with blonde hair, or the guy with the orange mask on. Kisame often came to visit as a hide out sort of thing. He would lay low at my place for a couple days if he was being tracked by Kirigakure or some shit. He's never brought anybody else with him, though.

"Aye, Kisame, what's up?" I asked, nodding my head. The other guys looked surprised that I was being so comfortable around an S-class criminal.

"Not much, just came on some business." He nodded back.

"Get your ass over here and give me a fucking hug, shark boy."

Kisame smiled and gave me a huge hug that made me drop my oatmeal, making the bowl shatter against the ground. I pulled away from him and pointed to the mess.

"You killed my oatmeal." I accused. He actually looked _really_ sorry. Before he could apologize, I walked over to the other dudes.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Tobi! That's Deidara Sempai, and that's Itachi-san! Who are you?" The orange-masked one exclaimed excitedly. I smiled. _I like him, _I thought.

"My name is Keiko Akakiri." I looked over to the blonde, Deidara, and found that he was staring at my tits.

"Aye, blondie, my eyes are up here." I scowled. He looked up and blushed. I looked over to the black haired one, Itachi, and noticed he looked familiar.

Then, it clicked.

I stared at him in awe and respect. He was _the_ Itachi Uchiha, the one who is Konoha's rouge ninja, who mercilessly slaughtered his whole clan, who slaughtered everyone _but_ his little brother. Who made history!

He stared right back at me, well, glared back at me. I totally fan-girled out on the inside, but on the outside I was still staring.

"What." He asked—no—_commanded._

"I spy with my little eye, an Uchiha in my living room." I teased. His eyes narrowed and he was about to speak, but Kisame interrupted.

"You took my wallet. Give. Now." I felt him glaring kunais in the back of my head. I turned around and smirked at him.

"New record, Kisa-nii-chan." I teased, pulling the wallet out of my bra and handing it to him. He rolled his eyes and walked into my kitchen. I turned back to Deidara, Tobi, and Itachi.

"If you're hungry, the kitchen's this way." I said, walking towards it.

I led them towards the kitchen and found Kisame raiding my fridge, finally pulling out a raw steak and eating it. Fuck him, that was my steak.

"That's mine, bitch," I said, ripping it out of his hands and eating some of it. He looked as if he was about to cry. "You can have the pork roast." I said, making him smile.

"How do you two know each other?" Tobi asked, looking from Kisame to me.

"We're cousins, but we act as if we're siblings." I joked.

"That's weird, you two don't look anything alike, un." Deidara commented.

"Yeah, the only thing we both have is the teeth, but that just runs in the family." I explained, taking another bite of the steak.

Itachi was looking around my kitchen, his eyes finally landing on my laptop. I was watching him with interest.

"Can I?" He motioned to the laptop, I nodded to him. He sunk into the chair and started to play on the internet.

"Sit." I told Kisame. He sat _on_ the table. Yeah, not in a chair, but _on_ the table. _Damn, that's where I eat, _I thought.

I sat on the table, too. Fuck it.

"You said you came here on business?" I asked skeptically.

I knew he was in the Akatsuki, I knew he was capturing the Bijuu's and would give him any information if I heard anything. I knew he was a killing machine, like me, of course. I'm a fucking assassin for shit's sake. He's never come here on anything work related, just to hide for a while.

Itachi perked and looked towards Kisame and I on the kitchen table.

"Yeah. Well, you know the Akatsuki, right? Well, the leader knows how I always stay here in hiding if I need to, and he asked about you. I told him your skills and such and...he wants you to join." Kisame finished and smiled his huge grin.

I was shocked. But more than shocked, I was kind of pissed. How much did Kisame tell his_ leader_? Did Kisame tell about my past? I narrowed my eyes, making his smile disappear. Itachi picked up on the tense atmosphere and, neat little Uchiha he was, walked out of the room, signaling Tobi and Deidara to come with him.

"Exactly how much did you tell this _leader_?" I asked skeptically. He knew exactly what I meant.

"I just told him what he asked about..." He said nervously.

"Which was?"

"Your skills..."

"Go on…"

"I told him you were an assassin, an archer, and that you're good at justu…"

"Anything _else_?" I was trying to edge.

"He asked where you were from, and I told him Kirigakure..."

This is making so fucking pissed off. Who does this _leader_ think he is to have the right to know every detail about me?

"_And_?" I asked, my voice getting louder. The others could probably hear me.

"He asked if you're a rouge ninja, and I told him you are..."

I got quiet.

"...What else did he ask...?" I quietly asked.

"He asked why you're a rouge ninja, and I told him..." He looked down, avoiding eye contact.

"Oh" was all I said before a huge flashback came to mind.

_I wanted to kill, and kill I did. _

_I grabbed my bow and arrows, strung the arrow on the bow-string, aimed for his heart, and let it rip. I heard his gasp of pain, saw him fall to his knees, smelled the delicious scent of blood, and felt the pleasure it all brought me._

_The thrill of the hunt, that's what I wanted. _

_I was running on the bridges of Kirigakure, looking for more prey. I sprinted up a tall pole, and looked over the Village Hidden in the Mist. I saw my next target by the docks, a helpless fisherman. Awesome. I jumped off the top of the pole and started sprinting again. _

_I got behind him and stabbed his thigh, making him immobile. The wounded are always the easiest to catch, but I wanted a challenge. I shrugged and went off towards the other end of Kiri. There was a stray dog. Perfecto._

_I got closer but in no time, it smelled me. It probably sensed the danger because it started running. A chase, that's always fun. _

_I chased it, getting closer, closer. Then I realized how my heart was beating erratically, the adrenalin pumping through my veins, the suspense of the chase, how the adrenalin made my senses sharper, my dilated pupils, and I loved it. All of it. It only made me want to go faster, and closer, and closer I got—_

Until I noticed Kisame was shaking me awake from my day-nightmare.

"…Keiko! Keiko, snap out of it!" Kisame was yelling.

"W-what?" I stammered, taking in everything around me. I was home. Safe. Not going on a killing spree in Kiri, not murdering innocent people and animals, but home. I had finally caught up with reality.

"Are you okay? You zoned out for, like, 20 minutes." Kisame said with firm hands on my shoulders.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I slapped his hands off and shoved him away.

"You haven't zoned out like that since you killed—" He cut himself off for my sake.

Just then Itachi came in the room carrying Spice; she was purring contently in his arms. I just stared at her. She wasn't usually an open cat, it had taken years just for Kisame to even be in the same room with her without her hissing loudly and making intimidating mewls at him. What the fuck?

"What's her name?" Itachi asked politely. I jumped off the table and walked towards him and scratched her head affectionately, which made her purr even more.

"Her name is Spice."

"So are you coming or not, un?" Deidara impatiently asked. Itachi looked up from Spice and at me, waiting my answer, Kisame looked somewhat hopeful, and Tobi was on his knees, begging.

"I don't really have choice, now, do I?" I said. Itachi let out an almost inaudible sigh of relief, Deidara and Kisame smiled huge grins, and Tobi hopped up and hugged me with so much force, I almost suffocated.

I'm joining the Akatsuki.

This statement means numerous things:

1. I'm going to live with S-Class Criminals.

2. I get to be surrounded by new people.

3. I get to be surrounded by (hopefully) attractive people.

4. I get to live with Itachi. Woo-to the-Hoo.

5. I can give this fucking leader a piece of my messed-the-fuck-up-beyond-repair mind.

6. I get to live with Kisame.

7. I get to live with Deidara. I always did have a thing for blondes.

8. More people to do pranks on.

9. More people to confuse.

10. More people to interrogate.

11. More people to cook salmonella-induced steak to. They'll never know. Mwaha.

12. No more loneliness! :D

13. I will bring Spice.

14. I will have sex.

This is going to be. Fun. As. Fuck.

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**So that was the first chapter! Tell me what you think about it, and if I should keep it going! If not, then I'll just cwy my wittle eyes owt. 3:**

**Lulz jk I wouldn't do that. **

**But srsly tell me if I should keep it going, if there are any mistakes etc. etc.  
**

**BUH BYE :O**


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